I never really 'lost it' over my diagnosis. I remember her telling me and me starting to cry. After she left the room (I was in the hospital) I got up and went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror and said out loud....'You have Multiple Sclerosis'. I just stood there for a few minutes, wiped my face and went back to my bed to make the phone calls.
That's all. I never cried again about it. I told myself that this was the hand that I was dealt and I would just take it one day at a time.
At the time the only symptom I had was numbness in my feet and hands. I thought.....I can do THIS! THIS is it? Ok, I can handle THIS.
THIS has now turned into a slew of symptoms and THIS has now turned into a shot a day and about 20 pills (or so) to go with it. I walk different now. My gate is much slower and not very balanced. I lose my balance a lot. The pain is CONSTANT in my legs and hips. Some days standing is unbearable. As I type, tremors in my hands have them jumping around on the keyboard. They have a sort of nervous shake to them most of the time. I have been dropping things lately. I have developed Neurogenic Bladder. My memory sucks. Periodically my hands and/or feet go numb for sometimes days at a time.
As my symptoms grow in numbers I find myself reading all that I can and my future looks bleak. MS is a progressing disease. Meaning, it will only get worse. That thought brings me to tears. I know all of the cruel things that are going to happen to me as this disease takes over my body. The bottom line is.....MS is going to kill me prematurely and there is nothing I can do about it. As I sit here next to my daughter I look over and wonder how much of her life I might miss? Will I get to see her kids grow up?
I will not live in a wheelchair. I will not let my kids, my family, those I love watch me, with no dignity, lose all control of my body. This is a choice I have made. I will not put them thru that.
Suddenly, I find myself very scared with a single teardrop running down my cheek.